Not Who You Thought I Was
by Description
Summary: 10 moments in my life ::Regulus Black:: Please read and review.


**Disclaimer: I do not own it.**

_Not Who You Thought I Was_

_1 _Thunder. That is my greatest fear. When I was younger my mother and father believed that my torment was childish. I remember one night I ran to their room and forced them awake. Mother was furious and ordered me back to bed. I tried to go back to sleep. I swear I tried, but the continuous thunder and lightning made me hear and see things I didn't want to. I was frightened to death.

I remember running to Sirius's room crying. He woke up the second I stepped inside. He saw my tear covered face, looked out the window, and then tapped the other side of his bed. Silent understanding. He helped me up and pulled the covers over me. He told me not to be afraid and I promised him I would try my absolute best and then we both fell asleep, side by side. After that night he would run to my room every time it rained and would refuse to leave until I had fallen asleep.

But then everything began to change.

It had rained my first night at Hogwarts and something inside told me Sirius would come sprinting down with his idiotic brotherly instincts. He did. Predictable nitwit. I had to remind myself not to laugh.

I told him to go away before he had even stopped running.

I yelled to get my point across. I said I didn't need him and for some reason he believed me. So he left. The instant he did the first tear fell and I felt myself begin to shudder. I whispered goodbye.

I did not sleep for a single, dreadful second that night.

_2_ My heart had almost stopped when I realized the sorting hat was considering me for Gryffindor, no was dead set on sticking me in that bloody house. I literally begged him not to, pleaded. I couldn't face Mum and Dad like Sirius had. I wasn't my pathetic, heartless older brother! He never saw the pained look in our parent's eyes when they realized what their eldest son was, but I did, and I swore to myself that I would never cause them the same misery that he had caused them.

"SLYTHERIN!".

So, we all make mistakes? I was never as smart as my brother either.

_3 _I never really hated Sirius. I cried until sunrise the night he went to live with Potter. I remember leaning against his bed and bawling like a baby. I remember kicking his black dresser, trying to break his wall by smashing my fist into it, trying to tear off that picture of him and his friends from the wall with my sore, bruised hands…

I couldn't comprehend how he had left me alone with _them_ to fend for myself. I kept asking myself the same question over and over again and by morning I had come to the conclusion that the brother I had admired and loved hated me. Despised his own blood.

So I planted a smile on my face. I was stronger than Sirius. He didn't deserve my tears.

I went down and ate breakfast with my family as if nothing had happened the night before.

So, I began to believe my lies. Maybe I was just a good liar.

Sometime that night, I can't remember when or why, I had snuck into Sirius' room and took his pillow and put it on top of my own bed.

_4 _I had always wanted a best friend, a human best friend, but for me Kreacher was as close as friendship came.

_5 _I never murdered, though I came deadly close to taking the life of a small muggle girl. I had been forced to torture her for hours. The image of her face, her eyes screaming in agony will eternally be engraved in my heart.

I couldn't take the screaming. The blood. The evil. I had planned to set her free in the cover of darkness, but then I watched the cold blooded murderers take the life of her mother and I thought that if I left her she would be reunited with her mother soon.

To this day I wonder if I made the right decision.

_6 _The mark that is engraved upon my arm is like an undying fire that constantly melts away my skin. It's presence is always felt and at times I wish to tear my entire arm just to be rid of the feeling once and for all.

Some nights the pain is too much to bear.  
Those nights I stagger into _his_ room and fall asleep clutching _his_ blankets.

_7 _I remember the last conversation I had with my brother.

"Sirius? You wouldn't really kill me would you?"

He gulped.

_"Go away Reg. Run."_

_"_I always hoped you would come back and get me away from them. That maybe you still loved me."

_"I despise you."_

_"_Don't say that. Please. I never...I tried...They made me. I didn't have a choice Sirius!"

_"We all had a choice Reg. You were just a coward."_

_"_Sirius, I'm sorry! I tried to get out, but-"

_"Go away Reg. Or I'll have to kill you. This is war and you're on the wrong side."_

_"_Sirius! Please listen! Please lower your wand!"

_"I can't. I'm sorry. Run Reg. This is your last chance."_

_"_Will you ever trust me again?"

_"Trust has to be earned Reg."_

_"_I swear I'll make you proud one day. I swear."

And then I ran like the coward I was.

_8 _It feels like drinking fire. I can feel it traveling slowly through my body, as if taking it's sweet time, enjoying every second of torturing my limbs, making sure that no part of me remains unharmed. Every ounce of me burns. My mind floats between consciousness and I begin to lose my grip on reality. This must all be a nightmare.

_9 _Hundreds of cold hands grab me and drag me underwater. The salty liquid fills my lungs and I try to gasp for air, but they just hold me tighter. Air. That's all I desire, but they won't let me have it. I try to fight back but it's useless.

Then everything fades to black. Darkness.

_10 _I was too young to die.

Did I make you proud Sirius?

If I did, it was worth it to die.

**A/N: Please review! If you like stories like this, I have written 10 Things you Never Knew for Sirius and Remus. It's under my _Always There_ fic.  
**


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